Light in the Forest

Light in the Forest

Wednesday, February 11, 2015

Diet Soda Detox

Are you kidding me?!  I swear, this is like detoxing from something that I should have had MUCH more fun ingesting!  I'm on day 3 of constant headaches, but I'm hanging in with the whole water thing.  I swear, though, if I make it through this, I will never drink another diet soda again in my life.  And I wouldn't have thought I drank that much to begin with!  Holy cow!  I feel awful!  My only consolation here is that one of my friends assured me she had the shakes too when she quit drinking regular soda several years ago.  At least I think that's some consolation.  I'm grasping at straws here...

On the food side, I had a burger and fries with my kids last night.  I wasn't bad. I chose to do it, and that's okay. See how I'm managing to change my self destructive language here?  I'd say to pat me on the head, but we've already established that my head hurts.  Still, I ate a good breakfast and was still starving at lunch today.  I ate healthy food kind of like Garfield the Cat eats diet candy... A few more boxes of that and I'll be skinny as a rail!  Now I'm kind of wondering if the hunger is the detox off sugar or diet coke or if I'm just hungry.  Hey, it happens.  But I'm still going!  It's the stubbornness in me, but I'm putting it to work for me, so let's keep going!

Tuesday, February 10, 2015

A Little Help From My Gut

I'm honestly not sure whether to consider the fact that I got a GI bug on the day I started changing my diet to try to lose some weight a good thing or a bad.  On the plus side, my gut is cleared out!  On the minus, I spent a little while yesterday lying on the tile in the bathroom praying I'd either get much better or die.  I wasn't picky about which!

Fortunately, I got some better but felt bad all day. I still managed to eat.  Soup and oranges at lunch, lots of water, coffee in the afternoon to try to kill the headache I figured was coming from the lack of caffeine, and a ham sandwich, pickle, and tomatoes at dinner.  I thought that was pretty balanced and was proud that I still managed to eat even as bad as I felt.  Afterwards it did occur to me that the headache might have been from whatever virus I had going on.  Oh well. Hindsight and all...

I'm just glad I feel better today.  I've had coffee, two boiled eggs and a handful of blueberries for breakfast.  (Am I exciting you yet with my food list?)  So yes, I'm keeping track. It's part of that accountability I'm trying to take.

Overall, I realize now that I forgot to mention something about the why I'm doing this.  What I'm doing, and what we should ALL be doing, is about being good to myself.  I've spent too long beating myself up for things that I don't like but not doing anything to change those things themselves.  Why is it that we all blame ourselves, use negative language about ourselves, and feel the need to belittle ourselves because of something that may or may not be changeable.  Personally, I feel there is a power in words.  I'm here to say that I can take control of my life, my eating and my work habits.  Those words are powerful.  What I won't be saying is that I'm fat.  I'm a failure.  I'm cheating if I eat something I think isn't good for me.  I can't...

What I'm doing is what we should ALL be doing.  I'm treating myself the way I try to treat others.  I'm being kind. I'm being forgiving, but most of all, I'm being realistic.  I may not fix everything all at once.  Quick results usually don't last. I may sometimes behave in a way that isn't always that step forward, but that isn't so bad.  I'm human. We all are.  We're flawed, but it doesn't make us worthless. I'm here.  I keep trying to move forward, and I will succeed.  We all can.  Power of words... Use it.

Monday, February 9, 2015

Holy Cannoli!

Okay, here we go with the first of our goals... getting healthy.  I've always been relatively slender, but not exactly frail.  I'm a curvy sort of girl.  Still, 4 years sitting in front of a computer for work and always being "too tired" and "too busy" to exercise.  I just kept thinking I'd cut back here or there and the weight would just come back off.  The problem is that I just have no self control any longer.  I have a sweet tooth that would choke a horse, and I will indulge it at the drop of a hat!  Seriously, I live for holiday candy... no matter the holiday!

So today, I'm putting in the details and looking at the reality.  I just checked my body mass index and I am obese!  How the hell did that happen?!  Oh yeah, please see the reasons above.  Shoot.  Anyway, for the record, here are my stats.

Height 5'5"
Weight 214.6 (I'm still trying not to look at that.)
BMI 35.7

And before anyone asks, I'm not living by the weight numbers here.  I'm living for the healthy aspect.  I have a high risk of diabetes with my family history, and the more weight I carry, the higher that risk.  I also find myself too tired to engage in some of the more strenuous activities that I enjoy, like hiking in the mountains.  That's just reconditioning right there!  And I also have some joint problems.  The weight is definitely not helping my knee, and I refuse to deal with limited mobility at this stage in my life.  I've already signed up for a half marathon next year, and I plan to be there to complete it!  Goals, people! You've gotta have them!

So here I am and here's what I'm doing today.  Today, I'm switching from the diet soda that I live on to water.  Okay, it's bleh and I'm expecting a headache from lack of caffeine, but it's a step.  And this is my journey. It's made up of a lot of steps.  I just have to take them one at a time.  I also plan to eat lighter today instead of the incessant snacking I normally do.  I even threw out some of the sweets littering my kitchen!  And tonight, I'll hit the grocery store with a plan to buy some healthy foods and to actually eat them this time.  Turns out you don't get healthy through osmosis just by buying them and letting them go bad in the fridge.  Who knew?!

So there we go. Goal number 1.  Finding my way back to a healthy lifestyle.  And here we go.

Oh and yes, for full accountability, I will be posting pictures to go along with this... just as soon as I can close my eyes tightly enough to take them! Here's hoping that's soon!

Fessing Up!

Okay, there's simply no way to start blogging about this journey without admitted to the past transgressions that have brought me to this point. So sit down, sit back, and grab your popcorn because it's confession time, y'all!

I used to be very focused and very goal driven.  Over the years, however, I've gotten complacent and then overwhelmed by life in general.  I suspect that's something that most of us experience at one time or another.  My response to this has been to cut back on taking care of myself and to procrastinate when there were difficult things that needed to be done.  I could always find some other way to spend time rather than completing whatever it was that I didn't want to do.  That could be exercise, working on career goals, studying for professional testing, or some days even managing a shower!  Seriously, with three children, a husband, a job, and a menagerie of animals, there really was something else that I should legitimately be doing.  The tasks never ended.

Now, however, I realize several things.  One, I have lost my focus and my ability to stop doing all the little things and focus on the big ones.  Two, I have turned into a complete couch potato, gained excessive weight, lost any healthy habits I may once have possessed, and turned into a sugar consuming machine during my last four years of working at a desk from home.  I can assure you, this is NOT a pretty picture!

But not anymore!  Today I vow to turn over a new leaf.  I vow to quit ignoring the things that need to be changed.  I vow to quit pretending those extra pounds that dramatically increase my risk of developing diabetes don't exist just because I refuse to get in front of a camera so that I can see them. And I vow to look fully and without bias at a whole plethora of other faults that are keeping me from being the healthy and relatively sane person (let's not go crazy and pretend sane is really my thing here) that I know I can and want to be.  My family deserves to have that side of me back.  I deserve to have that side of me back so.... here I am!

I'm here to hold myself accountable, to hold everything up to the light so that I can see where I am and where I'm going.  Later I'm really looking forward to looking back and seeing how far I've come. So if you're here and keeping up, thanks for helping me with that.  I can't do it alone.  You are all my witnesses and my cheerleading squad.... even if I have to make you up and pretend you're there.  Hey! Whatever works! Because this is ultimately my journey.  I have to be accountable, even if it's only to the words on the screen.  But YOU are welcome to join me.  Offer tips, laugh at the ridiculousness of it all, or just smile and be glad you are where you are on your journey.  All comers are welcome.

Thanks for joining me.